Outlet
by PolarisWhatever
Summary: SaemonHotarubi. All ninja need something to forget and live on. Sometimes it is very innocent and trivial, like fishing on Sundays or gardening, and sometimes it is not. Saemon is no exception. Dark themes, please mind the warnings.


Outlet

Candleinthebox

Genre: Romance, Angst

Rating: M

Warning: Please mind the rating. Very dark, violence, language, allusions to sexual situations, rape and torture (but nothing really graphic).

Note: Animeverse, kind of AU, Saemon does not kill Hotarubi. I know the situation is highly illogical and improbable, but, erm... plot bunny? I just see so much possibilities between these two characters, and it did not fit in the anime timeline, so...

My beta is too busy to correct me these days, so if you see any mistake, please do not hesitate to report it to me.

XXX

It is all about finding an outlet, really. At one point or another, all ninja need one, because the human can never really die underneath the killer, whatever they think, whatever they say. Reasonable or not, dignified or not, as long as it works, everything is fine. All they are asked to do is stay sane enough to do their jobs. So they find one, each of them in their different ways. It can be something as simple as fishing on Sundays, or gardening, really. But then, often, it is not.

He is no exception.

Tying her does not suffice, and as soon as she is lucid enough, she tries to kill herself by biting her tongue. He barely catches her in time, and afterwards, he has to drug her every time he is going away. Well, he expected that kind of reaction. He knows how fiery her spirit can be, and even in this state, gagged and bound and so bruised she is barely able to blink without feeling pain, the flames of hate are high and bright in her eyes. Saemon shrugs.

"If you refuse to eat, I'll have to force the food down your throat."

She grits her teeth, and then slowly opens her mouth, the humiliation of being fed making all food bitter on her tongue (but she has no choice, how could she feed herself when she has no hands anymore). Then, she tries to bite his hand. He has to give it to her: she is not easily broken.

"Why don't you kill me? Your clan would not be pleased with this, I am sure."

She does not beg, and her voice is as hard as steel. Saemon does not answer, because, to be honest (and ninja are never honest), he does not know why. He was never much of a cruel man. Killed, maimed, tortured, but all for very practical reasons, not for enjoyment as do some the people of his clan, who take pleasure in seeing their victims suffer and whimper while they twist the blade deeper and deeper (especially with attractive women like her). And yet, he cannot help this need, this want to tear down her flesh to the bone and break her spirit until nothing remains but shattered pieces of the woman she once was. He lies to himself and mutters again and again that he is doing it for Shogen (_I finished him, with these very hands_), or Okoi (sweet, loving Okoi, ever innocent despite her terrible ability), or even the hate of her clan, but he has always been rather true to himself, and it is difficult to believe his own lies.

"I'll kill you! Don't you worry, you dirty son of a bitch, the time will come, and I'll rip your guts just like I did for your little friend!"

Saemon just ignore the way she spits out threats and venom, because he knows that a cornered animal is always fierce and vicious. Let her, if it pleases her to burn herself out that way. She will cry sometimes, when she is under the influence of drugs, fever or delirium (he patches her up just enough so she will not die, always leaving her raw and bloody, on the very edge), her violet eyes suddenly softening, her pathetic handless arms trying to reach for him, the familiar name branded on her lips, until he takes it away with his tongue and teeth. Shut your mouth, but keep your eyes open, these are the rules. She has to keep her eyes open so she can look (past, far away from him in both space and time) and he can watch her, watch them while he pulls her hair and scrape her skin and bite and lick and kiss and kill, in this morbid parody of a three person dance where one is always missing. But _he_ is everywhere, cold wind between their bodies, against their bare skins, putting the sweat on his brow and the tears in her eyes. Those times, she does not fight back.

"You're back! Oh, I knew you were alive, my love, I always knew somehow…"

When she is conscious, however, it is a whole different story. She screams and screech like a banshee, calling for her precious butterflies (but they are not coming anymore, she lost the light a long time ago), trying to tear him down with her teeth and kick him with her elbows and knees like a dislocated puppet. Then, he usually ends it the fastest he can and knocks her unconscious, repulsed, because it is not the way he wants her, not the furious warrior with the fierce spirit and the hateful glare. So he makes her bleed until she dreams again and the look is back in her eyes, so much love, so much need, he becomes the very light of her world and poor girl, fate's sense of humour has never been more cruel.

"You are disgusting."

Saemon says to the girl dying on the floor, to himself, to the ghosts filling the room, their stained hands trying to pull them both to the place they rightly deserve. Then he washes himself and sheathes his sword, face as blank as a sheet of paper, empty to the core (it is not a mask, not anymore). It is fine, because this time around, he will not even need to do his pretty trick and glue a foreign face on his. When he comes back, she will be looking at him (and even if it is not him she sees, in the end he is one who is standing there), and they will be fucking ghosts again and again until she dies of it.

When that happens, he thinks to himself, he will just have to find something else.


End file.
